#ClownTweet, Bro

By: Lauren McDermott

2012 NL East Rookie of the Year, Bryce Harper is a good boy. He loves his mama (#familytime), loves Jesus (#GodoverEverything) and America too (#USA #USA #USA). He, like most teenagers, also loves Twitter. As a DC transplant and witness to the rise of #Natitude, I have become strangely fascinated with the goingson of our little boy wonder. So, for the purpose of posterity, I culled Harper’s twitter feed to provide you a portrait of an All-Star in his own words. Here are Bryce Harper’s Trending Topics.

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Here comes All That Jive 2.0. When it started, we all knew the blog was a ticking time bomb of shit we don’t have time for. Between being understaffed, overworked, and lazy, Rory put it best, “The Jive could not survive.”

    However we’re re-launching in one of the busiest sports weeks we could imagine. March Madness hosting a near-upset for Temple, La Salle in the Sweet Sixteen (jinxed that), the Sixers starting to tank (jinxed that too), The Flyers are shit (wish I jinxed that…), and The Iron Pigs add video game urinals.

    Besides the sports, we’re accepting all free form articles about anything. In the Jive’s first run, we were too restrictive with what went up. These days, we’re more interested in seeing you get your piece published on the internet. The Jive cares about you.

    This year’s Jive will include more stories, more frequently, and is accepting requests for steady writers. So if you want to join the All That Jive team, start sending in your freelance stuff. The more you send, the more we publish; the more the people love you, the more you get staffed.

    Another major change is the departure of Rory. He’s out in Pittsburgh rooting for the Penguins and writing comedies – living the dream. The Jive might see some pieces from him and those will be bright days, but for now, he gone.

    Keep checking out the site for any new and exciting news. Thanks for still reading All That Jive.

Important message from FHOFFS09 (Updated)

He kinda looks like this, sorta.

Have you guys heard about @FanSince09 (If you answered “yes” just proceed to the official FS09 statement)? He/She (FS09’s real identity remains concealed – it also has a personal stance against misogyny, so I don’t wanna suggest it’s necessarily a dude…) pretty much is Philadelphia. He stands for two things in the world: Twitter Justice and exploiting the infinite stupidity of twitter users. This is the guy that retweeted enough racism from people  to get them expelled from high school, kicked off their junior hockey team, or fired.
His stereotypical South Philly persona has amassed a cult following on Twitter. His popular misspellings of words – couch/coach, alfit/outfit,  attic/addict, and my personal favorite pedal stool/petal stool/ pedestal – have become common vernacular amongst his fans. In a bizarre way, he’s establishing Philadelphia’s genius by providing a satirical parody of the city itself as well as opposing cities; his following is a testament to that.

So, without rambling, I present to you the very important contest Mr. Since09 has organized to glorify his favorite Phillies of All-Time, Future Hall Of Famer Raul Ibanez or the truest Phillie, Hunter Pence, and to shame his least favorite Phillie(s), Coal/Cole Hammels/Hamels… my auto-correct is pissed about this post:

“Sup, Ock?   Don’t have a Halloween costume yet?  Well, I’m here to help!

Because I’m not cheap, unlike the Phillies,  I’m  offering a $30 gift card to my favorite restaurant, Ponzio’s Diner*, for the best FS09 related costume.
To submit, mail a photo of your costume to  FS09Costumes@yahoo.com
Each photo will be judged in two categories:
Accuracy:  How close is your costume to reality? Are you wearing the proper type of ill shirt?  Is your Coal Hammels gay enough?  Is your Couch Paterno extra intolerant of snitches?
Location:  At the Sixers home opener? Out at your favorite bar?  Wear the costume somewhere, don’t just take a photo of yourself alone in your filthy room. If you don’t wear this costume outside of the house, #killyoself.
Other people in photos:  Did you run into a celebrity? Is there a great reaction pic to you in your costume?
Bonus points:  Dressing up as as me.  The official FS09 costume is this mask, along with a FS09 appropriate alfit (usually an ill shirt and non-team color Phillies hat).  If you don’t have an ill shirt, #yougay, but you can substitute with an appropriate shirt or jersey, but remember accuracy counts.  You’ll need to look exceptionally swass to pull this costume off!!!
If you get  a photo of yourself in costume with Coal Hammels (holding a sign with his name and @fansince09 to verify), you automatically receive a gift card as well as a custom engraved plack that declares you a hero to are city.
The deadline for all photos is Monday, November 5, 2012.  Winner will be announced Wednesday, November 7.”
Note the changes in deadline. You now have until Monday to submit your favorite Fan Since 09 inspired alfit. This gives you more time to root through your chester drawls for an alfit for the contest. Have fun!

Live at Firefly: Part Two (of Two)

By: Michael McDermott

In case you missed it, here is PART ONE of this two-part story about the Firefly Music Festival.

Before I get back into my narrative, I’d like to detail a few things I left out of the first half of the story. Some of this stuff will seem obvious to you, the reader, but before I left, it’s stuff I didn’t quite think about.

First of all, the showers are three quarters of a mile away and cost five dollars. The line for the showers is just as long as the walk itself. The story is going to pick up on Saturday, which means I haven’t showered since Thursday. I am smelly. Everyone around me is smelly. And when you’re in a large crowd under a beating sun, you’re praying for the rain to wash away some of the stink. And that’s exactly what would happen at times. The rain fell and people would think that counts as a shower. Nope. Still smelly. Deodorant can’t mask the scent nor can clean clothes and perfume. The place was busier and ranker than ever. So remember that as we go along.

Secondly, food is very sparse. Unless you are willing to shell out $9 for small portions of flavorless chicken, you aren’t having good eats. Pretty simple. But that also means that Saturday and Sunday are a lot rougher on the body. Something about drinking through a smelly famine just isn’t a good idea.

Finally, I realized that I forgot to tell you about (…and I realize that what I’m about to tell you is disgusting, but I have to go there anyway, even though I’m repulsed by this kind of writing and if you want to just skip ahead to the next paragraph, I’m totally cool with that) is the small, stinky, soggy porta-potties. They were always either wet from rain or God knows what else, then heated up by the inconsistent weather to cast a cooked-poop smell within a 15 foot radius of each station. Grossed out yet? Now think about how badly you want a shower but can’t go take one because it’s too god damn far away to walk. It’s rough.

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Mick Stringer – “We’ll Find Our Place”

“We’ll Find Our Place” is written and performed by Mick Stringer, who hails from Towson, Maryland. He is influenced by food, weather, movies, bad hair days, ignorance, moods, people, animals, plants, drugs, music, pain, sex, and inappropriate jokes. He doesn’t seem to care much for biographies, so just listen to the song.

Taking a Good, Hard Look at Penn State

Now that we’re done shouting and the dust has settled, I just want to talk about it.

By: Daniel Craig

You know what the worst conversation topics are? They’re the ones that become so universally shoved down the public’s throat that every single person feels the need to share their goddamn opinion about it. Thanks to the 24 hour news cycle approach to what’s happening these days, there are absolutely no breaks, no pauses to stop and think, no chances to catch our breath and digest the bits and pieces of information that are thrown our way. We see, we hear, and then we immediately react. Why would anyone stop and consider both sides of a story, or actually double check more than one source before barking up the first thing that comes to mind?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to go all Will Mcavoy on everybody here. I can’t say I’m much better than anybody else when it comes to jumping to conclusions or quick opinions. However, back when this story first broke last fall, I wrote what I thought was a neutral piece about Joe Pa for the Temple News. My angle was that Paterno was just a man who made mistakes, and no matter what you think of him we need to treat him as such, not something more (Needles to say, this was way before we found out how much Paterno really knew). You know what my editor did? She published it in a section called “mixed opinions,” where it was side by side to an article calling Paterno a monster. She needed to make it a shouting match to make it interesting, despite the very non-argumentative nature of my article.

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Live at Firefly: Part One (of Two)

By: Michael McDermott

The lineup for Firefly Music Festival, released months and months ago, had me hooked from the moment I read it. In fact, from the moment I found out that my three favorite bands, The Killers, OK Go, and The Black Keys (in that order, if you were wondering), were playing in the same place within three days of each other, I knew one thing – I have to go to that for free. And so the scheming began. I quickly rushed to the festival website to learn how to volunteer. I sent in my application as soon as they would take it and waited impatiently until I was accepted. And from April until last weekend, knowing that I’d have to clean garbage from strangers just to be there, I toiled in pure excitement – each day longer than the next – spent waiting. And then, finally, July 19th arrived…

Disclaimer – during the rest of this article I could potentially paint an unflattering picture of myself (as well as my generation), so if this is your first impression of me, know this: I’m responsible, hard-working, smart, talented, helpful, and a whole bunch of great things… And if this isn’t your first impression of me, know this: from Thursday night until Monday morning, I partied my ass off and had the most fun of my life.

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Dwight Howard: The Ultimate D-Bag

By: Rory Meagher

For a long time now, it’s been evident that Dwight Howard wants to leave the Orlando Magic, but he’s been so weird about it – really quiet but somehow totally clear. He’s never come out and said, “Look, I’m not happy here. I should leave.” But if anyone said that Dwight wanted to stay in Orlando, you’d definitely disagree, right? He’s like that friend that wants to go to a different party, but instead of telling everyone, he just starts texting other people and slowly making his way to the door. Like, dude, we see you. And it’s not that he hates you (Orlando) – it’s actually more so the opposite: he wants you to like him. He wants everyone to like him. That’s how douchebags are. They’re politicians. They’re the guy that says, “Oh, Jimmy’s a great guy, but he did borrow my shirt once, and he never gave it back.” You obviously don’t think Jimmy’s a great guy. You douche. That’s how Dwight Howard is – Oh, Coach Van Gundy’s great, but… I love it here in Orlando, but…

I’ve had enough of it. Lebron’s notorious “Decision” isn’t even as bad as Dwight’s unprecedented Indecision (and general doucheyness). At least Lebron got it over with. Cleveland felt like shit heading in, they knew it was coming, like a doctor’s appointment, but eventually the day came, Dr. James showed up, and he ripped off the bandaid (or in Cleveland’s eyes, he ripped out their hearts). Painful, sure, heartbreaking, indeed – but reasonably quick. Dwight Howard is the doctor that can’t make up his mind. He keeps ordering all these tests, sending Orlando fans to get CAT scans and MRIs, bending them over and examining their prostates (not a pleasant experience… from what I’ve heard), touching their balls with his cold hands and asking them to cough, and many other uncomfortable and strange procedures. And while this doesn’t hurt as much as Lebron’s Decision did, it’s creating a sense of fear and panic – the nauseating feeling that something terrible lies ahead. It also feels like you’re being violated… from what I’ve heard.

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