Dwight Howard: The Ultimate D-Bag

By: Rory Meagher

For a long time now, it’s been evident that Dwight Howard wants to leave the Orlando Magic, but he’s been so weird about it – really quiet but somehow totally clear. He’s never come out and said, “Look, I’m not happy here. I should leave.” But if anyone said that Dwight wanted to stay in Orlando, you’d definitely disagree, right? He’s like that friend that wants to go to a different party, but instead of telling everyone, he just starts texting other people and slowly making his way to the door. Like, dude, we see you. And it’s not that he hates you (Orlando) – it’s actually more so the opposite: he wants you to like him. He wants everyone to like him. That’s how douchebags are. They’re politicians. They’re the guy that says, “Oh, Jimmy’s a great guy, but he did borrow my shirt once, and he never gave it back.” You obviously don’t think Jimmy’s a great guy. You douche. That’s how Dwight Howard is – Oh, Coach Van Gundy’s great, but… I love it here in Orlando, but…

I’ve had enough of it. Lebron’s notorious “Decision” isn’t even as bad as Dwight’s unprecedented Indecision (and general doucheyness). At least Lebron got it over with. Cleveland felt like shit heading in, they knew it was coming, like a doctor’s appointment, but eventually the day came, Dr. James showed up, and he ripped off the bandaid (or in Cleveland’s eyes, he ripped out their hearts). Painful, sure, heartbreaking, indeed – but reasonably quick. Dwight Howard is the doctor that can’t make up his mind. He keeps ordering all these tests, sending Orlando fans to get CAT scans and MRIs, bending them over and examining their prostates (not a pleasant experience… from what I’ve heard), touching their balls with his cold hands and asking them to cough, and many other uncomfortable and strange procedures. And while this doesn’t hurt as much as Lebron’s Decision did, it’s creating a sense of fear and panic – the nauseating feeling that something terrible lies ahead. It also feels like you’re being violated… from what I’ve heard.

I’m bringing Lebron into this because I think his story is part of the reason for Dwight’s actions. He saw how everyone turned on Lebron with such fury, and he thought to himself, I’m not going to be like that; I need to avoid that; I want everyone to like me. You should be a man about it, like Lebron. Although when you think about it, Lebron did try to distract us from his Cleveland-killing decision by donating the ad revenue to various charities. “Hi, I’m going to stomp on the hearts of my loving fanbase on national TV, but did I mention that this is all for a good cause? Wow, I’m a pretty good guy, aren’t I?” That’s a classic douche move. But still, Lebron’s doucheyness (while hitting a personal high) did not reach the colossal level that Dwight Howard is reaching. It’s not clear whether Dwight is ready to take the Planet Earth nomination from John Edward just yet, but he certainly seems determined to do so.

And there’s no doubt that Dwight’s loving all the segments on sports shows around the country that are analyzing his future possibilities, talking about his career, and saying his name over and over. This guy likes being the center of attention like Wiz Khalifa likes to smoke weed. Can anyone really deny that Dwight’s an attention-whore? We’re talking about the guy who swats the basketball as high and far as he can whenever he gets the chance. He swats the ball into the stands so he’ll look cool – so you’ll like him. He doesn’t care that he just lost possession by knocking the ball out of bounds, when he easily could’ve grabbed it and helped his team gain an advantage. Do I even have to mention the Superman gimmick? Ugh. Not only is it unoriginal, it’s… Well, I should spare you a ten-minute tirade on comic books, egotism, and stupidity (muffled scream about his lack of speed, athleticism, or heroic instinct), but that’s what we’re dealing with here – an egotistical moron. He thinks he can call himself Superman just because he’s freakishly tall and buff (when in fact, Superman was not that tall and buff – how else would he blend in as Clark Kent? I know, I said I’d spare you. I’m stopping). In all seriousness, I’m glad that Dwight Howard’s not considering the Sixers as an option – we don’t need that on our team. Go to that new party that you keep texting people about. It doesn’t matter where you go, even in Los Angeles, you won’t have any fun… because you’re a douchebag.